A different world

I've been really sitting on getting into music for a while now. I've picked up a ukulele, tried drums, and fiddled w/ a piano. I write blogs more often now but every time I go back to read it I just wanna throw a melody on it and just change the structure into a song. And sometimes I read it like I'm doing spoken word poetry which I also have interest in.

Right now I'm trying to balance dance & my company; SFC Lifestyle.
And at some point soon I want to shift my focus from dance to music, or at least spend a lot more time exploring music.

Tolerance

I've been in a rough patch with my parents. Actually no I've been on a roller coaster with them. I've been stuck in the same theme park for a long time and it's getting old, and so am I. My hand doesn't need to be held, I wasn't raised like that. Compassionate I can be, but don't expect it from me when hugs and kisses are no where to be found in my memories. All I remember was my whys being pushed aside and how you know best. You made me feel like I had no right to ask questions or they were stupid and I should already know better. 

Freedom wasn't in your memo until I was old enough to still not know right from wrong. Age is just a # is it not? You and dad are 10 years apart. Wisdom comes with experience not age, that's why I can live happy like I wasn't robbed of my childhood. But it seems like you guys lost your individuality years ago. You can't think for yourself, you only want me to follow the pack. You trust the news and these shit schools. Success is monetary? I'm not looking to be secure. I'm already sure of myself and the self I aim to be. A degree in bullshit and a job with a pathetic "salary". No thanks. I'm not here to be safe. I'm not here to be comfortable. I'm not here to solely survive.

I'm here to make a difference. I'm here trying to figure things out and your views are too narrow. The only thing I'm really trying to figure out is when I'm going to leave these chains that hold me back from who I really want to be. I feel like there's a dragon breathing down my neck every step that I move forward. Always being criticized for every little thing I do. 

We're different and I knew that from the start. So don't be surprised if this "family" falls apart. I'm far from selfish, I don't just think about me, I don't just think about our family. It's that mentality that "my family is more important than yours" is what separates us humans. I think about the future generations, the planet, and the direction we're headed in as a species. 

I hate the rulers of our country and instead of mindlessly conforming, I'm going to break my back to accomplish my goals. All you do is pray for me but you have no faith in me. You're supposed to by #1 fans but you don't even respect my #1 plan. I know you care about me and want to protect me but there's an art to letting go & you should learn it. Playing it safe is not who I am. I am not going to follow in your footsteps. You are both wonderful but I can do without the constant criticism, lectures, and hate for my interests and personal path. And a curfew for an adult is kind of silly. In terms of wisdom I have already surpassed you. I have a firm grasp over my emotions and don't say things I don't mean. I am a divergent thinker with a love for deductive reasoning. I am spiritual, something which neither of you can grasp. 

I'm not angry or upset. These are just thoughts and feelings that I'm aware of. You won't lose me as your son, I don't hate you and there will always be love. But until you understand me like the way I understand you...This bridge of disappointment will still be here. I don't hold grudges so I hope you burn the bridge soon.

My rock, my wind, my flower.

My rock is my comfort zone. With you I feel safe. With you I'm at peace. Things don't change with you, and that's why you're so comforting. But I worry sometimes. You hold me down & you look out for me, but I'm over here chasing dreams & fairy tales while you watch from a distance. You make sure I'm okay when words are needed. You swoop in to save the day when action is needed. And sometimes I feel selfish for that. But our relationship is unique & we both know where we stand in it. Even in absolute silence we can understand one another. That is special, and something that took time to build. My wind is my partner in crime. We do everything together. We are on a constant move and we're both headed in the same direction. You're my constant reassurance & vice-versa. I always here people tell me they believe in me. But I feel it more when it comes from you. I'm not sure why that is, but it's different. Your struggle is worse than mine and I genuinely just want to see you make it, and you can count on me to be there for you. My flower keeps me on my toes. Whether it's dance or just life, something is always going on with you and I'm drawn to it. We're different in certain aspects but are very alike by intuition. Your aura makes me calm & excited at the same time, and I'm trying to figure out how that is. There are things that we've done that I've never done with anyone else. I can't say no to you, but that doesn't matter cause there's no reason to. You say I constantly push you to be out of your comfort zone, but I don't think you realize how much I've grown just being with you. It may not seem like it but things were really different before I met you. I've always wanted to do so many things that were out of my pattern but never did. Something about you makes everything feel more possible. Everything from dancing in the cold till midnight, to going to a playground at 1AM to look for Mars. I feel like I'm reading a book and every page is my favorite. We connect on every level & it scares me sometimes. You told me you trusted me in a way that you didn't trust anyone else. That moment was so genuine and something I'll never forget. Timeless, that's how I feel when we're together, & I like it a lot.